The Pierce Parable/Transcript

 

(We pan into a shot of the house of Pierce the porcupine. An unseen narrator appears.)

 

Narrator: Hello and welcome. This is a story about a porcupine named Pierce.

 

(Cut to the backyard, where Pierce is beating up Puffy, a blue squirrel.)

 

Narrator: Pierce constantly beats up Puffy for being a sissy. He spends his time making fun of other Happy Tree Friends like the bully he is.

 

(Pierce hears the voice and stops beating up Puffy)

 

Pierce: Huh? Who said that?

 

(Puffy hears the voice, too.)

 

Puffy: I don’t know, but it sounds like some sort of voice.

 

Narrator: This is what Pierce does every day on every month on every year of his life, and Pierce was happy.

 

(Pierce resumes beating up Puffy.)

 

Narrator: Then, something very strange happened.

 

Giggles (Offscreen): Help me, Pierce!

 

Narrator: Giggles the chipmunk called Pierce’s name.

 

(Pierce hears Giggles’ call for help)

 

Narrator: Peirce decided to go see what she wanted.

 

(Pierce gets defiant.)

 

Pierce: No. I won’t do it!

 

Narrator: What? Why?

 

Pierce: Because screw you, that’s why!

 

Narrator: Okay fine, you lazy arse. Giggles called Pierce for donuts.

 

Pierce: Donuts? I love donuts!

 

(Pierce runs out of his house to see what is the matter. The narrator speaks again.)

 

Narrator: But strangely, Giggles was nowhere to be found. In fact, his friends disappeared as well.

 

(Giggle’s voice emanates from inside a nearby alley.)

 

Giggles: Help me! Get me out!

 

Narrator: Giggles’ voice came from a dark alley. Pierce was shocked and trie-

 

(Pierce has had enough of the narrator’s antics.)

 

Pierce: Screw you,  I’m going home.

 

(Pierce runs off, but stops when the narrator addresses him.)

 

Narrator: Hey, where do you think you’re going? I’m only doing this to make your life more interesting.

 

Pierce: No, you’re not! You’re only making it worse!

 

Narrator: I’m not making it worse. This is making it worse.

 

(Pierce goes back to his house and sees Toothy along the way, all while the narrator continues to narrate. This is making him irate.)

 

Narrator: Pierce then decided to go back to his home and watch Pony Tales on the internet. Along the way, he saw Toothy. He had been thinking of playing a game with him, and wondered what game to choose. He either wanted to play Dead Arm, Charley Horse, or Eyesey Pokey with him.

 

(Pierce finally loses patience.)

 

Pierce: Shut up, you stupid nonexistent voice!

 

(He runs off and covers his ears.)

 

Narrator: How do you like it now? Can we go back to the story?

 

(Pierce pauses for a moment.)

Pierce: NEVERRRRR!

 

(He runs outside his house.)

 

Pierce: Whew. Thank the maker. That narrator won’t find me here.

 

(The narrator speaks up again. Pierce is spooked.)

 

Narrator: Running won’t help, you know. You see, I am in the trees, and the grass, and the babbling brook, but most of all, in your soul.

 

(Just then, Petunia walks by.)

 

Pierce: PETUNIA!!!

 

(Pierce runs to Petunia the skunk.)

 

Petunia: What do you want?

 

Pierce (Hysterical): You’ve got to help me! There’s this strange narrator voice that’s trying to ruin my life! You’ve got to believe me!

 

(Petunia  stands, confused.)

 

Pierce: Don’t just stand there! Do something about it!

 

(Petunia is unamused.)

 

Petunia: You’ve been in the sun too long. Your skull has cracked.

 

(Petunia walks away.)

 

Narrator: See? Even your friends don’t believe you.

 

(Pierce stands in shock.)

 

Narrator: What are you going to do now? Beat up Puffy again? Can I join in?

 

(Pierce yells in a rage. He then finds a remote control on his desk.)

 

Narrator: A remote control?

 

Pierce: Of course! I’m going to use this mute button to silence you once and for all!

Narrator: Well, that’s just gay. Here you go.

 

(The narrator sends an anvil to crush the remote control.)

 

Pierce: Whoa!

 

Narrator: Oops. Didn’t mean to spawn that.

 

Pierce: Yes, you did, you stupid voice!

 

Narrator: You see, Pierce, I am a bit like god. I can do some magic things.

 

(To prove his point, the narrator makes Pierce’s skull shirt disappear, and places Rottie the Rottweiler, Beaucey the Beauceron, and Dobie the Doberman next to him. Pierce feels intimidated, but eventually the three dogs disappear.)

 

Narrator: But let’s not go into that. Back to the story.

 

(The narrator then places Pierce near the alley.)

 

Narrator: Giggles was somehow kidnapped and it was up to Pierce to save her.

 

(Pierce sees Giggles, grabs her, and brings her to the narrator.)

 

Pierce: There. Are you happy now?

 

(A “The End” card pops up. Cut back to Pierce in the mountain.)

 

Narrator: Why don’t you like my story? Or do you just hate me?

 

(Cut to black)

 

Narrator: Fine. Let’s start over, then. This is the story of a pimp named Pierce.

 

(Pierce finds himself in some sort of nightclub. He is shocked.)

 

Narrator: Do you like the story now, Pierce?

 

Pierce: No! Get me out of here at once!

 

Narrator: Don’t worry. You get all the ladies, too.

 

(Leather Ted and Pit appear behind Pierce)

 

Leather Ted: Hello, Porkie. How about a threesome with Pit and me, if you know what I mean.

 

Pierce: AAAHHH!

 

(Pierce is transported back to his room. He is sobbing on his bed)

 

Pierce: Please, just leave me alone!

 

Narrator: Where are your friends now? Hahahaha!

 

(Just then, Jerky arrives.)

 

Jerky: Hey, Pierce! Wanna play Holomon?

 

(Jerky then sees Pierce’s condition)

 

Jerky: What the heck is wrong with you?

 

Pierce (hysterical): This stupid voice forced me to become a pimp, and I was harassed! Please, just help me now!

 

(Jerky is unamused.)

 

Jerky: Well, you’ve officially lost it. Call me when you’ve cleaned up your act.

 

(Jerky leaves)

 

Pierce: Why don’t you go and bother someone else?!

 

Narrator:Because there is something I like about you, Pierce.

 

Pierce: Is it my stunning looks?

 

Narrator: No, you’re retarded.

 

Pierce: Oh, for pete’s sake! That does it! I’m just going to ignore you!

 

Narrator: You know it’s time for you to learn something pierce.

 

Song Lyrics:

 

I am the narrator.

I control your life.

They see me complaining?

No. Just you, hater.

My words of wisdom, I can speak all day,

But just look at you, That’s what I call, “gay”!

Swag.

Swag.

Swag.

Swag.

Pierce, my friend. I can’t even stand you.

So look at me. I’m in the upper class,

While all you’ve got is your fat spikey arse.

Swag!

Swag!

Swag!

Mess with me, I mess with you.

Bitch.

 

(Pierce is very indignant.)

 

Pierce: I can sing better than you.

 

Song Lyrics (from Little Shop of Horrors):

You don’t know what you’re messing with!

No, you never did!

You don’t know what you’re looking at!

But that’s tough titty, kid.

The lion don’t sleep tonight,

And if you pull his tail he roars!

You say, “That ain’t fair,” You say, “That ain’t nice,”

You know what I say, “Up yours!”

 

(Giggles randomly appears from outside of Pierce’s room for whatever reason.)

 

Giggles: Will you keep it down? I’m trying to take a nap!

 

Narrator: Wow. You’re even better than me, Pierce. You deserve some kind of reward.

 

Pierce: Oh, Boy!

 

(Cut to black. Pierce then finds himself in a city near an alley.)

 

Narrator: Pierce stood before the place where Giggles was being held captive.

 

(Pierce is shocked.)

 

Pierce: What! I have to go down that dark alley? Are you nuts?

 

Narrator: It’s time that we finished this story.

 

(Just then, Puffy pops into the frame.)

 

Puffy: Hello!

 

Puffy: What the crap! Get out!

 

(The narrator uses his hand to punch Puffy away. Pierce then ventures into the alley, where he encounters Big Bullie the wolf.)

 

Narrator: And right there, stood Big Bullie, the most ravenous wolf of all. He was the one who had taken Giggles captive.

 

(Big Bullie stands there, confused.)

 

Big Bullie: What on Earth is with that strange voice?

 

Pierce: Apparently, I have to fight you.

 

Big Bullie: Oh. Okay.

 

Narrator: The ravenous beast growled and decided to tear Pierce apart.

 

Big Bullie: Hey! I’m not ravenous!

 

Narrator: I thought this episode was about Pierce, not about a great, big, mangy, flea-infested mongrel.

 

(Big Bullie’s feelings are hurt. He begins to cry)

Big Bullie: Hold me, mommy! Hold me! I want to go home! I want my mommy!

 

(He runs off.)

 

Pierce: I thought you were insulting me.

 

(The narrator is very cross.)

 

Narrator: Well, now the story is totally ruined. How do you feel, Pierce?

 

Pierce: Ha, ha, ha! In your face, you stupid narrator!

 

Narrator: I’ll kill you.

 

(Cut to black. Pierce finds himself on a plateau standing in the desert.)

 

Narrator: Since you’ve ruined the whole story, you are hereby sentenced to kill yourself by jumping off this cliff and falling to your doom.

 

Pierce: WHAT?!

 

Narrator: So what’s it going to be? Somersault? Backflip?

 

Pierce: I thought I told you to leave me alone!

 

Narrator: Fine. But I’m not going to take you anywhere else. Goodbye, Pierce.

 

Pierce: Goodbye to you too, you great, big, selfish excuse for a narrator. I never want to see your non-existent face ever again!

 

Narrator: If I don’t exist, then you don’t exist either.

 

Pierce: What?

 

(Cut back to Pierce’s house)

 

Pierce: Of course, I exist! This is Happy Tree Friends!

 

Narrator: Have you  seriously not seen the signs that you live in a tv show? For instance, every episode ends with a character dying, but in the next episode, they reappear as if nothing happened.

 

(To prove his point, Handy gets run over by a car.)

 

Pierce: It’s probably magic or something.

 

Narrator: In fact, almost every time someone dies, they come back to life the next day.

 

Pierce: It might probably be a wizard. You’re off of your head.

 

(The screen zooms out to reveal that Pierce is inside a TV screen. The narrator’s hand slowly reaches for the off button on the TV.)

 

Narrator: Fine. Believe what you want. But it’s the horrible truth. The sad reality. It is just a simulated TV show, or what they might call, Happy Tree Friends. Goodbye forever.

 

(The screen then turns red as the narrator’s hand touches the TV’s off button and his voice turns demonic. Cut to black. Naz is now the subject of the narrator’s torture.)

 

Narrator: This is the story of a skunk named Petunia.

 

(Petunia is seen cleaning stuff in her house.)

 

Narrator: Petunia regularly spends each day of her life being clean.

 

(Petunia is now seen walking away from the back.)

 

Narrator: In fact, she has been diagnosed with OCD, and she is so obsessed with cleanliness that other people think she is a neat freak.

 

(Petunia turns around, feeling cross.)

 

Petunia: Alright, you stupid narrator. You’ve crossed the line. Taste my lead, you promiscuous jerk!

 

(Petunia takes out a gun and shoots at the screen, causing the narrator to get shot. The narrator falls over and is revealed to be a blue caterpillar. Petunia then blows on her gun.)

 

Petunia: Now, that’s what I call payback!

(Petunia walks away as the iris out begins.)